If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced. ~Vincent Van Gogh

It’s been a while since I’ve been here. There have been a few reasons and most people that either talk to me or my family, know why.
The reason I have not been writing is that I try not to be more positive when it comes to conducting myself in front of people. That is why everyone always tells me I am a happy and always smiling person. But, I guess I should fill people in on what’s going on in my life.
Almost a year ago, I was basically told that I was not wanted at my site. Since then, I have not been as successful in getting integrated into the community as I should (not from a lack of trying). Yes, I have done some projects, but I felt as though the people in my community did not care to be involved and showed more being annoyed to have to be there than excited to get away from the community and be involved in something others cannot be a part of.
About two months ago, my boss told me that he was working on moving me to a new site. The problem with that is there has to be a site. If not, it takes a very long time to get it started. The PC has to go to the site, inspect it, talk with major people, and check on it again. And that all is after actually finding a potential site.
So, the past two months, I have been at site and around Tamale and Accra. At site, I started to get frustrated because I did not hear what was going on and I did not know how to act with everyone. Do I act like I am staying? And, of course, now that I have it in my mind that I am leaving, a villager basically tells me that I have not done anything for the community and that I should. Okay, what would you like me to do? I’m not just going to hand you some money. What do you think the community needs? Reply: “I don’t know, but if you don’t do anything the community won’t be happy”. Well, I can’t just give you something, if you want to have a meeting about it, okay! Great! Nothing. Just more complaining.
We also just celebrated the 50th anniversary of Peace Corps. And since the PC started in Ghana, we all went down to Accra for the swearing in of the new group and a celebration of the PC! It was AMAZING! We went to the Ambassador’s house, we went out, and we hung out at the mall! I ate a lot of junk. Probably gained a few excess pounds (which is worth it!!).
So, reflection time. I traveled back up North by myself (usually, we travel at least two or three together just because it’s so boring and long!!). It was nice to sit on the bus and trotros and think. I had been thinking whether or not to stay and finish my service for a month or two and it has left me emotionally drained. I would tell myself, “okay, go home.” And have a breakdown because I don’t actually want to go; I just want to leave my site. Then, I would tell myself, “okay, stay.” and I would be happy till I start to think that what if I’m stuck at this site? What if I can’t make it?
Back to where I was going with this reflection. It was a more self reflection and revelation that I had about myself. I was surprised to realize how much I had actually changed. I never saw that I was changing or knew it happened till now. I have more confidence (yes, I still have a ways to go in that department, but I have grown extensively). Before PC, I would not stand up for myself. I would not be bold enough to have a meeting with my boss’s boss about my thoughts and concerns. I would not feel comfortable traveling by myself, sleeping somewhere new where I did not know a soul around. And most times, I would not initiate a conversation with someone I did not know (especially a guy—especially if I thought he was cute). And I would never have put that last statement in this.
I guess I should let you know, in case it was not clear earlier. I have decided to stay. I visited a new site where they want to move me and it seems to be a lot better. If that one does not work out and I end up moving somewhere else, I will also stay. I will be going home for Christmas, so a nice break will break up the last 11ish months I have left. I did get really excited about the fact that I am staying and wanted to dance (that is where my confidence is lacking still)!